Someone I "know" -- something like the husband of a cousin of a husband, let's say -- posted a video online. His child is only a bit younger than my son, who has achieved a whole year and a half of life.
It's the story of a child who was tortured - and I know the strength of that word - to death. An infant. A beautiful blond boy. He's lost.
It's triggered my OCD. It's mild on most days. Check a few locks, set a few clocks, make sure all the carpets are at right angles, sort the laundry by fabric weight.
Now my thoughts are obsessive. Now my mind is a hell of children screaming. Of my children suffering. Torture.
I watched about 15 seconds of this video tribute, this indictment of a failed system and a truly horrific reminder of man's inhumanity, and I'm broken wide open. I want to snatch my beautiful blond son from his crib and take him to the school, to steal my daughter away from her classes and hide them both safe in my arms.
I lost my mother, I've lost my grampy, I'm losing my grammie, I've lost and given up most of my self, whoever that might have been. And I promise you that if I ever lost my children, I would take the world with me as I left it.
Because my OCD is "mild" it's never been treated or even really talked about. So I don't have any fucking idea how to make this stop. My brain is like an out-of-focus showing of A Clockwork Orange right now.
I have 54 minutes before my baby girl walks in the door.
I have 54 minutes to stop these sobs.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I have read your blog to this point so far, your not crazy!! you are just a person in this scary and crazy world, that has normal feelings, normal reactions.I too, have felt exactly this very same way most of my life,and always have tried to annolize,"why?","what if?"and so on. Mostly in my case I have found that telling myself for years that i am crazy, made me crazier.I hope i don't say anything to upset or make you offended. not that I can actually explain either why my mind races when i "try" to sleep, and wake from horrifying nightmears when I manage to sleep for an hour or so at a time each night. I too have lost most of my family and anyone I have loved by my outlandish thoughts and insecurities. But all we can do, is to try our best to be a good person and to try, that is it. I don't really know, but some imput is nice to get,i know a few words that are seemingly caring can actually go a long way sometimes.
ReplyDeleteJust take a breathe........
Laura