Borked

There was a scene in 30Rock where Liz yells at Jenna, "This is not the time to go crazy!" and Jenna yells back "Too late! I'm getting that hot feeling in my head!"

I have that hot feeling in my head. I'm in a place where I know I won't be able to fake rationality very well. Right now I'm having a violent panic attack over the idea that I might have to make a phone call later. I don't know if I'll be able to manage it and I feel so pressured not to fail like that I keep having to swallow a scream.

That's hard for people to understand. When I say I can't make a phone call, I can't. I can't just snap out of it, I can't force myself. If I got so far as dialing, I'd break down and lose the ability to speak; it's happened before. You might as well tell me to stop bitching and fly. No amount of flexing my shoulders or flapping my arms will get me off the ground.

I wish I could make some people understand that I don't do this for attention or to be obstinate or to prove a point or punish someone. This is not something I do, this is something that happens to me, and no one hates it more than I do.