Talking about it doesn't help.

I'm not going to start in with the excuses for not updating in a month. In spite of all my best intentions to blog openly and honestly about being crazy, I've learned it's really, really hard to write down how I'm feeling in the worst of it, for a few reasons. Today I'm teetering on the edge. I'm fighting to keep out of the darkest headspace. It's not even 10 a.m.

When my moods get dark and savage, the last thing I want to do is analyze and decipher them, but that's not the difficult part. The hardest part is standing on a platform of any sort and admitting, "Your comment about the best apple to put in a pie enraged me and I hate you now." Obviously, I have made up a comment there but it's indicative of the sort of thing that can send me spinning.

I know in these cases -- and most of the time, really -- that I'm reacting inappropriately. I have tried in the past to explain the circumstances. "Your comment was upsetting to me, and I need a little space to process my mood before I can get past it." The problem is that with the exception of my domestic partner and a few close friends who make the effort to understand, I've gotten universally negative reactions. I don't believe it's worth the effort to explain how I'm feeling, most of the time.

Think about it. My moods are invalid and transient and incongruous and disproportionate. By the time I've finished explaining one mood, I'll be probably be on another. I've noticed that no matter how timidly I say, "I was a little hurt by that, but I know you didn't mean it" people still react angrily. I give up. It's so much easier to let people think I'm just a selfish, rage-filled bitch.

And I guess I am, strictly speaking. I can understand how someone would come to that conclusion.

NOTE: I'm not happy with this post. It feels whiny and at the same time vulnerable, passive-aggressive and self-pitying. I may be publishing it as an attempt to punish myself through public exposure of my own weaknesses.